I Can't Keep That
Promise
Yuri Volte Hyuga, Shadow
Hearts: Covenant
My dear, sweet Yuri is dead. He
is dead. He is gone. I hope that by repeating this, the pain will be numbed,
but no…it still hurts. Yuri is gone.
Just like my father, and my mother before him.
We were on a train, travelling
to Zurich, my mother's hometown. I still had family there, and with no other
pressing engagements, Zurich was the only place we had any reason to
visit. Yuri had no family, but if he
did, I would have gone with him. I would
have followed him to the ends of the earth.
It is only fear of disappointing him that keeps me from following him
into death. He fought so hard for my
life.
We had fallen asleep on the
train; when I awoke, Yuri did not. I shook him, and I even slapped him, but he
would not stir. I picked him up - he is so much lighter now, in death - and
carried him off the train. I carried him as far as I could, then I placed him
gently on the ground. I checked again that he was truly dead, and, oh god, he
was, he was. I dug a hole with my bare hands, tears flowing down my face.
It was only a few days ago that
I kissed him for the first time, after our victory in Neameto. I shake the memory from my head as I loosen
my blue ribbon, but removing that ribbon brings back another memory, of the
only time Yuri has ever seen me with my hair loose. I grit my teeth, and tie the ribbon around
his wrist.
Then I take the crucifix from my
throat. It belonged to Yuri’s mother,
Anne. She gave it to his father, who gave
it to Quihua, a little girl he met. When we were in Shanghai, Quihua’s father
gave it to Yuri. Yuri gave it me. We had
not known each other long at the time, but he was so caring. He told me to wear it in battle. He said it
always had a calming effect, and as I was not used to battles it might help
me. It did. Whenever I felt myself start
to panic, to go berserk, I looked at the cross and more often than not, I would
snap out of it and find another reserve of strength
.
I was undecided as to whether
Yuri would want the cross or would prefer that I kept it. He loved me, I knew
he did. This is not pure vanity. Last night, when he thought I was asleep, he
whispered it to me. I very nearly was asleep, so I didn’t reply, only smiled a
little. More than anything now, I wish I had answered him. I love him. I hope
he knew that. I wish I'd told him. No, if I am to wish, I wish I could tell him
right now, and he could answer. But the dead cannot answer.
That thought gives me
pause. I am an exorcist.
I had forgotten that, in the
horror of this moment. I cannot call unwilling souls, souls that have passed
over. Only those souls with regrets, those that are still here on this plane.
Does Yuri have regrets? I wonder…
After defeating the godlet,
Yuri, the others and I all hid the émigré away, and then stayed in Rouen for a
while, while we planned for the future. It was…four or five days, I believe.
Meiyuan brought Koudelka from London, and she and Halley stayed overnight in
Rouen before heading to Le Havre to catch a boat to America. Koudelka and I
shared a room. Margarite had a room to herself, as did Yuri. Margarite said she
needed her privacy. Yuri refused to share with either Halley or Zhuzhen, on the
grounds that one was an adolescent with too much energy and the other was a
grumpy old man. I do not believe he was serious, but Yuri got his own room
anyway. Margarite jokingly suggested that she share with him, at which point he
hugged me and said that I was his woman. I blushed, but I do like it
when he refers to me that way. It makes – made – me feel protected. The
suffragettes would not agree with me, but I do not care. It is not – was not –
a case of Yuri seeking to control me, he merely wanted to protect me.
I cannot believe he is gone.
Halley and Zhuzhen shared a
room. Meiyuan wanted to share too, but Halley and Zhuzhen were very…definite…about
that. I think Zhuzhen's words were "Over my dead body". Keith had
already turned into a silver bat and flown back to his castle in Bistritz.
That night Koudelka told me
about everything that had happened when she had first visited the Neameton
Monastery, over a decade ago. James
O’Flaherty, a friend of my father’s had run into her there. I had vague childhood memories of him as a
serious man, one who disapproved of my mother.
I, in turn, disapproved of him.
Who was he not to like my mother?
Koudelka had run into Edward
Branckett when she first entered Neameton.
He was Hally’s father. Koudelka
and Edward were close in age – nineteen and twenty, respectively. Neither took to James O’Flaherty much,
particularly as he was much older, in his forties, and prone to disagreeing
with people.
Patrick, the owner of Neameton,
had been using the émigré manuscript in an attempt to revive his wife,
Elaine. Coincidentally, Elaine had also
been James’ love, once, though Patrick had won her. After her death, Patrick had gone mad with
grief. He committed numerous murders, in
his attempts to make the spells in the émigré work as promised. I heard of some of those murders, the ones
where he hadn't been able to take the body away from the crime scene. The
police never solved the case. Still, though it was evil, it was done out of
love. I do not believe that the end justifies the means, but I believe the dead
should rest in peace. Patrick has paid enough. I shall not be the one to give
him away.
Koudelka and the others had
found poor dead Patrick, rotting and run through with vines. His wife had become an unholy horror; her
body had revived, but her soul had not returned to it. They realized that this creature had been the
one to kill Patrick. James’ sacrificed
himself to save Koudelka and Edward.
That was the night Koudelka and
Edward had become lovers. I asked her why. Did she love him?
She said that she didn’t
know. She was young, younger than I am
now, and had honestly believed she was going to die. I wonder if those are the things that brought
Yuri and I together.
She also told me that Edward had
made her feel normal. I was fortunate in
that my father was able to hide my powers, and I had not suffered. Koudelka had been turned out by her family,
hated and feared as a witch. Feeling
normal was unusual for her.
I see a little of Yuri in her
words. His mother was torn apart by
their possessed neighbours right in front of him, and his father was killed
when he tried to fuse with the Seraphic Radience. Without them, he had been forced to fend for
himself. After watching his mother’s
death at the hands of men he had known and trusted, it had taken him a long
time to be able to trust anyone.
When I expressed these thoughts,
Koudelka told me that that was why she’d sent Yuri to me. She’d sensed the turmoil in his mind, as well
as his strength. She’d also felt drawn to
me, due to the similarity of our powers.
She’d hoped we’d be able to help each other.
I blushed, and attempted to
change the subject. I asked why she was
looking for Edward now. Simply because
he was Halley’s father? Or was there
something more to it?
Inside, I contemplated all the
ways it could go wrong. What if Edward
had another family? What if he pretended
not to know her?
Koudelka picked up on my
thoughts. She has a most disconcerting
habit of doing that. She told me exactly
what would happen to anyone who hurt her son, and I feared for Eddward
Branckett if he wasn’t a good man.
She did not complete the
sentence, but I wondered what it would be like to care for someone that much. I
care for Yuri, of course, though in a different way than I would a child. He is
older than me, by four years, though he does act like a child at
times. I would not have him any other way.
The next day, Koudelka and
Halley left, Zhuzhen going with them. He
was headed to Shanghai, and Le Havre was a good place to start from.
Koudelka looked at me, then Yuri
with a strange expression on her face, before hugging us both and saying
goodbye. I wonder if she knew then what
was going to happen? I hate that she
didn’t warn me, didn’t try to stop it, even though, logically, I know she couldn’t
have done anything.
Margarite stayed in Rouen with
us for a while. She asked me how I was feeling, whether I felt ill in any way
whatsoever. I wondered why she was so concerned; as far as I could see, there
was no cause for it. She left Rouen the
day before Yuri and I did. She gave me
one of her pistols when we said goodbye, told me to use it for my own
protection. I thanked her, but I did not
think I would have need of it.
That was yesterday. Last night, Yuri and I shared a room, and a
bed. Last night, Yuri told me he loved
me. Last night, Yuri was alive.
I am thinking about these
stupid, irrelevant things to keep myself from crying, but it isn’t working! Oh, Yuri, Yuri, how could you leave me again?!
In those months after you disappeared in Shanghai I had hope. I hadn’t seen you dead, so there was hope that
you were out there somewhere. But now,
your corpse is in front of me, growing colder.
I cling to him, crying,
sobbing. “Please don’t leave me! Please, Yuri!”
He can’t be dead. How can he be dead? He was alive, only a few hours ago. I fell asleep in his loving arms, and woke up
wrapped in a corpse. I pray that I am dreaming. I pray that the universe is mistaken, and
that, soon, it will fix itself, and everything will be all right, and I’ll tell
Yuri I thought he was dead, and he’ll laugh…
I howl at the sky, like an
animal. There is no other response. My lover lies dead in my arms.
He had given me his father's
coat on the train, told me to keep it forever. He couldn't have known he was leaving me when
he said that. He couldn't.
I think that I should give it the
coat back; he might be cold. But, he told me to keep it. He wrapped it around
me and told me to keep it.
I lay him gently in the grave,
placing his hands over his chest. My
ribbon curls around his wrist.
His pendant is still around his
neck. The gem is a dull red colour, like dried blood. Feeling guilty, I gently unclasp it and place
it around my own neck. I already have
his coat, I know. But I need more. I need to keep more of him. Dear god, I would keep all of him if I could.
His eyes are closed. I felt a
morbid desire to open them, to see his eyes in death, to find another way to
prove it to myself. I keep trying to
prove myself wrong.
His eyes were flat and grey,
with nothing of their usual warmth. I
closed his eyelids and kissed him. Then
I turned away and began covering him over.
I didn’t let myself think, else I couldn’t have done it at all.
When I had finished I stood over
the – the grave, oh god, it’s Yuri’s grave - and I opened the small bible my
father had left me. I said a short prayer. The wind had begun to blow now and my
hair blew in front of my eyes, obscuring my view. The wind tore my words from
me the instant I said them, snatching them away.
Eventually, pushing my hair back
with one hand, holding Yuri's necklace with the other, I screamed at the sky
"I commend his soul to any God worthy of it!"
I was left panting. I screamed again, no words, just raw emotion
spilling out of my mouth. I ended up kneeling in front of Yuri's grave crying
as though my heart would break. I had no hope now. Suddenly, I heard a voice
from behind me.
"What's all the screaming
for, girl?" It was a man, speaking French. I turned and saw…no. Even after all these years, he was
unmistakable. I was astonished by the
coincidence, even though I’d come here trying to find him.
"Uncle Geppeto?"
He peered at me through the
gloom, adjusting his glasses. "Uncle - Alice? Is that you?"
I nodded. "Yes," I
sniffed a little, and wiped the tears from my face. It was raining now, so the
gesture was more for effect than anything else.
He hobbled toward me.
"Whatever's happened?"
I sniffed again, trying to hold
back the tears. "Yuri. It's Yuri. He's gone,"
He put his arm around me.
"Come home with me. I haven't seen you in years. Now, tell me, who's Yuri?
Someone special to you?"
I nodded and started crying
again as he took me back to his home.
